You really should read this...

I just want to go home.

I am tired of being in charge. I don’t want this anymore. I am tired.

I want to be under someone’s covering. I want to be a real woman – where a man of God leads. It isn’t natural for a woman to lead so much. I feel unnatural

I am praying to be a woman like God has created. I have never wanted more…heck, I never wanted it before at all…so now, I desire that. I desire to be a woman of God.

These above thoughts have been racing through my head the past week – malaria induced or not, I felt it.

December 2008, on my first visit to Gulu, I stayed at a hotel that named each room by a saint’s name. I happened to stay in St. Samuel’s room. At that, I felt that I should read 1 and 2 Samuel during my stay here. Never really, knew why. Today, during service, I somehow felt called back to Samuel and remembered the room. I asked God if this was something He wanted to me to pursue. And then the pastor talked about how God’s Word and prompting are true and never waiver back and forth (so thought he was gonna bust out with Proverbs 8:6-7)…that He is who He is. So, with that, I started studying 1 Samuel through a resource a dear friend gave me before I left. I always felt intimidated by it and didn’t really understand how it fit into my time here…but with the longing of my heart to be a godly woman, it only makes sense. I mean, heck, it says “a man after God’s heart”. Come on now.

I know the story, I’ve heard it. But being that it is God’s Word it still LEPT out at me…especially when I came across 1 Samuel 2:26 “and the boy Samuel grew in stature and in favor with men and the LORD.” DING! It reminded me of my Son Awards I used to do for my students – and it was based on Luke 2:52 “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men.” I was so excited!!!
Growing…if I sit idle, not growing. If I am not being fed, nourished, stretched…I am not growing. If I am satisfied with what I have, I am not growing. If I get comfortable, I am not growing.

Not growing.

How many times have I not been growing? I feel like a flower that grew so much from the germination process, finally pushed through the soil to break free into the light, and now sitting green as a stem and leaves fully developed and healthy. I have served my purpose in growing and pushing through. But the flower has not blossomed. It hasn’t fully opened – it sits cradled in the greenery protecting it before it’s time. My heart has been longing…so I have been asking God to encourage me. Things that normally would have encouraged me have not…it hasn’t fully satisfied and encouraged me to move on. I feel like what else can I do to get my energy, my momentum, my enthusiasm back…heck, my passion? What needs to happen for the petals, the color, the absolute of the flower to exist? Do I have to wait till heaven? Do I? What can satisfy at this point? If what used to encourage me isn’t anymore, what does that mean?

Anyone can grow in stature and wisdom and favor with God and men. Anyone. But it requires faith, discipline and obedience…not in general….but to Jesus. God’s favor is bestowed upon those who have no blemish, no evil, no bad….God is absolutely perfect and good. 100%- nothing less. No one is perfect, we know that saying, and it is true. Because we are imperfect there is no chance for us to even get this favor from God. We are screwed. Done for. Really. No joke. It is hopeless. He knows it and so do we.
NOTHING we can do or say or be will make up for the marks of wrong we have done. It is like you have a sack of millet…it is full and perfect. But when the bag tears and the millet falls in the dirt, it is dirty…you can either try to clean it up and put it back (ICK!) or you can try to refill it with a new substance to make it full again. However, to fill it up again, you have to purchase new millet to refill. So what choice do you have? Some dirty millet or buy new millet?

This applies to us…we are torn bags. Millet has fallen to the ground cuz we were careless, irresponsible, disrespectful or whatever else to tear the bag….our souls. We can try to clean ourselves up but it won’t be pure anymore because deep, deep down we try to clean it up, not because we want it to be clean again for the sake of being clean, but to make up for the stuff we screwed up on so we can appear clean again without guilt. On the other hand, we don’t have soul money. There is no way we can purchase a way to fix our souls from the devastation of what we did, said or thought.

No way. Let’s say it – you are screwed.

Now, God is perfect. He is also true. He wants good. If there is bad there has to be justice. JUSTICE. That means someone has to pay for the wrong. Someone. No way around about it. And God is faithful and JUST and He carries out that judgement…cuz if He didn’t He wouldn’t be true and then He would be liar and not a good judge…and we want a good judge. Cuz crap happens and we want justice to prevail. We want those who hurt us to pay. Well, so does He. But He also wants you to pay for what you did, said, thought.

This is a lot of bloodshed on creatures, beings, He created in His image for Him to enjoy relating with. See, justice requires someone to pay…and if you don’t have soul money…you pay with your soul. It either survives or it doesn’t. Know how parents say if you can’t be responsible with what you have you will not get it or worse yet once you get it, it gets taken away? Well, we are given our lives….we either do what is right and get to keep it or we do wrong and lose it.

Alright, we are all in the latter. We all screw up. Want me to tell you how many times I screwed up today? In the past hour? Ya, no…not gonna go there. If you wanna know ask me…I’ll tell you. But, for now, trust me.
So just in the past hour, justice should have been done on me. I should be knocked off.

Know why I won’t be?

Jesus.

God is just and wants the price to pay.

So why would God create us knowing we would screw up? Why would He create us?
Jesus knew this, in his loving kindness he took the brunt. He took the justice. In faith in him, we let him take our place and live lives worthy to be called God and Spirit filled lives ALL because of him. He knew that we all fall short and miss the mark – he knows we will never be what he expects us to be – perfect. But he knows he is. He knows that God the Father will accept us if he takes our punishment…if we acknowledge with our hearts and mouths that Jesus is who he is and that he really did overcome death and came back to life three days later and then he sent his Holy Spirit to live within us to guide, speak, direct and convict us to be more like Him, He is faithful and JUST to accept us into His stomping grounds (aka heaven).

He only allows full millet bags. And it has to be clean. And new.

Jesus has the soul money.

He will not only fix the tear, he will refill the bag with the BEST millet, and then He will walk alongside you to carry it for examination before the Judge. The Judge will see a perfect, full bag of millet and will say…

Well done my good and faithful servant.

So, to be encouraged…

I always knew Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men. Well, duh….he is perfect…makes sense. But to see that Samuel did it to….it gives me hope and encouragement that I can as well….not by my own “perfection” (LACK OF!!) but because of Jesus, the Holy Spirit living in me I am cleaned up…my imperfections are now viewed and perfect because Jesus took the stand, the cross, for me so I wouldn’t have to be punished eternally with death.

So back to growing…I am aiming for the growth in Christ…I think I can grow just
focusing in on Him. I can grow…and I will…sometimes it takes a bit longer, or more effort, or the timing…..but just the longing is a good sign, right?

So what about you? Seriously, I care. If you want to discuss more email me, skype me, facebook me, set a time to meet with me…I love you and want you to be redeemed, restored and most of all….to be a bag of full, clean millet.