Honestly...

Have not written much being home. For a couple of reasons:

1.) My brain is on overload processing
2.) Not sure how to write anymore - ha
3.) I was in a bit of a funk with the whole "I want to go home...but I am home" bit
4.) Trying to figure out WHY I am here for 8 weeks - especially since the first two weeks really have seemed like FOREVER and a half - probably the longest 2 weeks of my life.
5.) Everything seems exactly the same but somehow totally different...

And that totally different seems to be just me. In my head. Ha.

I had such purpose, love, joy, peace and discernment in Ug. I got it. I got Him. He got it. He got me. Contentment oozed. Being here, without the "purpose" like I have there made me feel a bit lost (see where the "I want to go home...but I am home" confusion came from?). Here is a great example of where I was:

Practicing for Sunday morning service. Playing my FAVORITE song in the whole wide world, "Everlasting God", and I couldn't get the stinken beat. JUST COULDN'T. My good friend seemed indifferent and kinda snippy that I wasn't getting it (maybe all the emotions). Somehow the rhythm wasn't jelling between Anna and I. I felt like I just had no right to be there. I thought, "why I am trying to do things I used to do? I clearly don't belong here anymore. I just don't belong. Nothing feels like home." We rehearsed the song again but this time I didn't play and let Anna play on her own. When it was done, my good friend turned and said "Ya, that worked now." And my head said "see you don't belong anymore - just go home." And that is what I wanted. So I got up and started walking outside. Mar tried to get me to talk and knew I was ready to cry, but I just left. I prayed outside and just told God how weak I am here. I am just weak. I dont' belong....He got me together, I went back, and it all worked out....but I still felt odd....

"Preach the gospel, in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction." 2 Timothy 4:2

That continually ran through my head. That is my heart. And my heart wasn't being used.

Then Tuesday.

Celebrating Sarah's birthday at the Original Pancake House. Saw a lady eating by herself behind me. In mid conversation with Sarah, I turned around and asked the lady if she was eating by herself and if so, if she wanted to join us (totally didn't check with Sarah first!). She said yes. We now have a friend named Natalie. She left before us and paid our bill. WHAT? Ya.

Showed the love of Christ.

Sarah and I then prayed by a pond. We talked about hearing the Holy Spirit and walking through it to understand how He speaks. She heard.

Christ is real.

Had lunch with one of the most dearest friends in the world, Diane. We talked about stuff that we never even touched on before. Such similarities yet such differences but absolute love and respect for one another. Truly a jem of a woman and I am so unbelieveably grateful the Holy Spirit told me to spend time with her almost 7 years ago, making me get over my differences...cuz I have a pretty neat friend now. Who would have thought?

Holy Spirit speaks.

Then yesterday I just wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to hear what He wanted from me while I am here - in regular life and in presentations. I sat in the small sanctuary of my church, laid on the floor and just prayed...and rested deep in Him. I heard "manifest". I looked at my concordance (God, kinda does that to me - says a word and I look for scripture and then wait for Him to speak CLEARLY through the Word when it is the "right one"). Looked at a few scriptures, and honestly tried to make something happen with them...but then I got to Colossians 1:26

"that is, the mystery which has been hidden from the past ages and generations, but has now been manifested to His saints"

See, I asked God, how do I share with people who have heard and know God and impact their lives for You? My hearts desire is for people here in the US to be moved by the Holy Spirit, hear the Holy Spirit and have a pure understanding of walking in the Spirit. I pray daily that He is moving hearts and preparing them to hear His word and just say 'Ya, that makes sense - ya I will surrender my life to God. Ya, I want to be a disciple..." and on and on. The responses to what I get in Ug. That God just makes sense for the transformation and they expect Him to be there...and be there the way our God does - supernaturally, wonderfully, beautifully and in reality everyday. AHGH! That just excites me. I want that here...for the fire to consume people....

And that verse clearly is the tool that has helped gear my heart to sharing the gospel and loving clearly, honestly, and purely.

See, anything I write and/or say I am absolutely honest. There is nothing that I will hide. Nothing. The honesty might have hurt some relationships, but not to distract them away from Christ, but rather convict and shape hearts to seeking why can she be honest and free? Why can't I?

It is a beautiful thing...

And I am not home...won't be....not here at least.

My home is heaven bound.

:)